


Ornithology

by emmykay



Category: Naruto
Genre: Chases, Community: kakairu_kink, Crack, Humor, Innuendo, M/M, Sexual Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-15
Updated: 2013-06-15
Packaged: 2017-12-15 00:52:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,426
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/843393
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emmykay/pseuds/emmykay
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It’s hunting season for the jounin of Konoha, and they’re ravenous for one Iruka Umino.  BOOM!  Snap!  Crack!  Pop!   Crack a lack a lack.  Warnings:  Language, adult situations, smutty humor, stupidity, naughty innuendo, food pron, melting brown eyes, and the idea that ninjas really like sex.  And competition.  Maybe not in that order.  Also, puns.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ornithology

**Author's Note:**

> From a prompt from the [KakaIru kink meme](http://kakairu-kink.livejournal.com/364.html?thread=22636)
> 
> **Prompt:**  
>  _So, Kakashi has a thing for Iruka, and is convinced that practically the _whole village_ is after Iruka (because how could they _not?_ ) Cue lots of misunderstandings and a little ~~benign stalking~~ _guarding_ (\"I was protecting you.\" \"YOU'RE the one I need protecting from!\")_
> 
> Disclaimer: Naruto and all affiliated characters belong to Kishimoto Masashi. This story is written without permission and for personal/fan/nonprofit entertainment purposes only.
> 
> * * *
> 
> __

1\. Opening Day (Season Opener, or Monday)

A well-rounded and happy jounin needed hobbies (it said so in the jounin handbook, which was not half so exciting as Icha Icha). Kakashi sighed. His Icha Icha was beginning to pall enough that he had resorted to reading the handbook. And responding to union roll-calls. A new low.

Kakashi walked into the break room on one side of the missions room and into a full-blown jounin gathering. Numbered among the jounin and tokubetsu were: Gai, Shizune, Anko, Ibiki, Riichi, Asuma, Kurenai, Hayama Shirakumo, Ebisu, Hayate Gekko, Tsume Inuzuka, Raido Namiashi, Genma Shiranui, and Aoba Yamashiro, Kumade Toriichi, Tekuno Kanden and a double handful of others whose names escaped him.

He scratched his head. He couldn’t believe so many of Konoha’s highest level nins were in this place at once. He couldn’t remember there being a call to a meeting of this size, but the giddy, frantic energy in the room made him wonder if he had missed something. The hastily hand-written sign affixed sloppily to the door attested to the fact that this was indeed the jounin union meeting, but Kakashi knew this was not right. Almost nobody attended the union meetings. Or so he had heard, having never attended one before. Well, whatever was happening, it was probably for the best that the break room was soundproofed, through means physical and jutsu. 

He sidled up to Tsume and whispered, “What’s going on?”

Quietly, she answered, “The Bird Book is being released today.”

 _Oh._ Kakashi absorbed that bit of information, eyelid drooping down to hide the sudden jolt of adrenaline that shot into his bloodstream.

The Bird Book of Konoha was a legend. An absolute secret kept among the jounin class. Updated at irregular intervals, it contained information and photos of all the nin of age, listed by vital statistics: name, rank, serial number, astrological sign, birth animal, family ties, weight, height, blood type, usual duties, known associates, established haunts and favorite foods. In short, it was the combined work of unknown masters of espionage and intrigue. All for a purpose. If a shinobi made it into the Bird Book, it became widely known that that particular shinobi had never had a relationship with a jounin before. (Previous relationships with lower level nin or civilians were disregarded - unimportant for the purposes of the Bird Book.) It was as certain as the noses on Hokage Mountain, if you were in the Bird Book, you would be plucked.

Shizune was pleading, “Look, guys, you can’t be telling Tsunade that I’m here.”

Ebisu frowned, pushing his glasses up his nose. “I don’t know if I agree with the proceedings,” he said.

“Ugh, don’t even talk - you are a total bird dog - “ Anko retorted. 

“You just didn’t bag any the last time the book came out,” snickered Aoba.

“Okay,” Ibiki said, clapping his hands to get everyone’s attention. “As judge of this season’s catch, I think we need to go over the rules again, just so we’re clear on the concept of prey - ahem, I mean, play.” 

Rules about the Bird Book:

1) Nobody talks about the Bird Book. All copies must be destroyed at the end of the season.

2) Birding season only lasts for a week, starting with the end of this very meeting.

3) Do no harm (e.g. no disrupting relationships already in place, minimal physical damage to persons and buildings and environment, protection must be used at all times).

4) Full knowing consent required (i.e. absolutely no substances or no jutsu of any kind were allowed). The more witnesses to the courtship the better. Old fashioned romance was most definitely preferred.

5) There is no bag limit and no possession limit.

6) In the event of a dispute, physical tokens of affections counted. (While threesomes or more were considered fortunate with built-in witnesses, they would be considered a tie. Also, the partakers would be noted as freaky (and damn lucky) bastards.)

7) Attendance at the meeting constituted agreement to a potential silencing jutsu regarding Bird Book, because NOBODY TALKS ABOUT BIRD BOOK.

“Kakashi - since you haven’t been here these past few years, I thought you’d dropped out of the game,” Tsume said.

“I’ve just been busy, with missions and my genin team. I couldn’t take the time off. I thought you were out of the game. What’re you - “ Kakashi couldn’t find a delicate way of asking.

“Doing here? Since the divorce was made final, thought I’d just get out there again -” her voice faded. Then she cast him a look that was more canine laugh than human, “You know I’ve always been more interested in the chase, anyway. And anyone who gets caught, well, they’re the ones who want to be baaad motherfu-”

An ANBU in a blank mask teleported in, silencing the group. The tension was thick as the mystery nin dug into a vest pocket, unrolled a scroll, and summoned a stack of papers. The unknown nin quickly snatched the top copy and vanished in a puff of smoke.

There was a mad rush to grab the limited number of non-descript pamphlets, whose pale green covers were decorated very simply with a stylized bird feather. Kakashi could hear the drool hitting the ground as the booklets were flipped open. He noticed that Kurenai and Asuma did not hurry themselves overmuch to get to the now heavily tossed pile.

“Hey - “ said Hayate with a slight cough, “Iruka’s in here this year.”

“How can that be? He wasn’t in there last year,” Genma said, senbon bouncing on his frowning lower lip. “I know that for a fact.”

“Could there have been an omission in the last book?”

“That is impossible! The Glorious Book detailing the Youth Unsullied by Jounin-hands - “ Gai backed up, rethinking his phrasing. “Jounin-Unsullied Youth?” He paused. “Jounin-y Unsullied of our Fair Village?” He muttered, very softly, “Ah, screw it..." Returning to his usual volume, Gai continued, "The Bird Book is never wrong!” He finished by holding a copy up in his hand and flexing his bicep.

Anko immediately flipped open her vest and summoned a much-handled copy of a red-jacketed Bird Book. 

“Anko!” reprimanded Ibiki. “You were supposed to destroy it once the season is over. If this information gets into enemy hands -”

“Whatever,” she said. “It’s sealed to destroy itself should my chakra go down below a certain level, okay? It’s taken care of.” She whipped it open, small notations showing up on all the pictures.

“What’re those notes?” asked Shizune, interested, as ever, in the minutiae. 

Anko grinned. “See - this is if they like knifeplay, this is for bondage and if they are sub or dom, and this one here - it’s if they like animals - not like that Ebisu, you can stuff it - ooo, this one here means they’re cuddlers, and this one here is if they do oral on the first date. You see,” she said all-gossipy, like an extraordinarily deadly housewife, “I like to keep track of all that anyway, regardless of the season. You never know.”

Impatiently, Raido asked, “Was Iruka in there for the last update?”

A couple other nins pulled out their old Bird Books. Someone had a rainbow of different editions, one rattier than the next.

“Kage on a kunai,” exclaimed Ibiki, “Does no one care about the rules?”

Asuma smiled around his cigarette. “It’s about a bunch of ninja competing for first lay - what do you think?”

"Do I have really have to create a jutsu to prevent you guys from doing this? Really?" Ibiki asked, exasperated.

"Wait, there isn't a jutsu for that already?" Shizune asked, horrified at the idea that there could have been loose talk about the Bird Book for years.

"The threat was good enough for so many years - " Ibiki said, unabashed. Then, sighing, "Now I'm actually going to have to go through with it."

“Was Iruka there last year?” asked Raido again, completely ignoring the interrogation specialist.

After a moment of looking, Anko, puzzled, replied, “No.”

All the nin stopped with a single thought. Was Iruka Umino still a vir-jounin? (vir-jounin; noun, someone who had never had sex with a jounin. It was speculated that Jiraiya had coined the term, but those actually familiar with his body of work knew that he was not capable of anything so subtle.) Certainly, at Iruka’s age, he most certainly should have been de-vir-jounined. (And that, friends, is the level of subtlety Jiraiya was capable of writing.) How was that possible? That body, those melting brown eyes, that innocently mischievous smile - all of that was still jounin-pure? Was it an error? This led to the frightening, paradigm-cracking question: Was it possible? Could the Bird Book be wrong?

* * *

2\. Sighted (In the crosshairs) A Bird in Hand.

People stopped talking as the break room door opened and Iruka Umino himself walked into the break room, lunch box in hand. He looked around, seeing all the eyes of the jounins looking at him. “Hi guys,” he said, with a friendly smile. "Hi, Kakashi!" 

While Kakashi returned his wave, Iruka stepped backward, as if cognizant of the predatory way Anko was approaching him.

Diffidently, Iruka asked, “This is okay, right? The room was only reserved until 11 - it’s almost noon now. I mean, if the union meeting is still going on, I’ll be really quiet - I was just going to eat lunch and do some reading -”

“Oh, no, no, feel free,” Ibiki said, his face as calm and smooth as glass. “We’re just discussing the latest changes to the rules for convening. Nothing controversial.”

Iruka sat down, unzipped his insulated lunch pouch, and pulled out a sandwich. He flipped open a book (Our Avian Friends, Ichikara’s Beginner’s Guide to Backyard Birds of the Fire Country for Young Naturalists, 3rd edition) and began to read. 

The jounin settled themselves across the room, some in small groups, others occupied themselves with their Bird Books, and a few pulled out snacks. Nobody left the room.

Kakashi peered over the top of his ever-present _Icha Icha,_ a copy of the Bird Book tucked securely, invisibly, inside. Iruka was a familiar sight - but who did not know the brown-haired chuunin-sensei? If he wasn’t teaching your kids, you saw him at the missions desk, and if you didn’t see him there, you saw him around over town, chasing that mutual pain-in-the-ass student of theirs, Naruto, or you saw him eating at Ichiraku ramen bar, out with friends, or off with the late Sandaime, and now the Godaime. 

Certainly, Kakashi knew Iruka. Following Iruka's outburst prior to the chuunin exams, Kakashi had sought him out, trying to figure out what caused Iruka to tick, what was it about Iruka that couldn't allow things to happen in a certain way. Now, they met semi-regularly over dinner to discuss Naruto, Team Seven, Iruka's work, the state of the village, and professional gossip. Kakashi looked forward to those dinners. Iruka was a great dinner partner - funny, insightful, and unafraid of voicing an opinion. Of course, Kakashi wouldn't say they were exactly friends. They were friendly, that's all. 

Kakashi watched the room, seeing how the jounin focused on Iruka. Some discreetly, some not. It was an odd thing. Iruka could blend into the background with the best of them, but once the jounin saw Iruka as a possible target, they couldn’t keep their eyes off of him. Kakashi felt the pull on his own eyeballs. Sure, he was marginally interested in checking out the rest of the Bird Book - but Iruka was proving to be well-nigh irresistible - a vision in standard issue. 

If asked, Kakashi would have said that Iruka was attractive. But no one ever asked. Which might be why he never really thought about Iruka sexually. In a loose, unfocused way, he felt that Iruka was attractive in a "feisty-cute-virtuous preacher’s daughter girl-next-door on the honor roll who wouldn’t give just anyone the time of day because surely she had better things to do with better people than you" sort of way. But when it came down to it, Kakashi hadn't wanted to think about it too much - better that they stay friendly and not risk one of the few relationships he had with someone stable. But today, it was as though he was looking at Iruka for the first time. Maybe that something about Iruka was now coming into focus. 

There was a vir-jounined sort of shine about him and his sensible navy and khaki ninja clothing. Could that be the allure?

Some of Iruka’s peanut butter and jelly sandwich had dribbled on his hand. He languidly lifted his thumb and neatly sucked the jelly into his mouth. After taking a napkin and finishing the cleanup, Iruka moved onto a piece of fruit. With the hand not holding the book, he delicately stripped the yellow peel off the pale flesh of the banana with his pearly white teeth. Then, he slowly, carefully, thoughtfully nibbled at the fruit as he read. Occasionally, he sucked on it, cheeks hollowing out. The tip of his pink tongue peeked out as he moved the fruit-holding hand to the book to turn a page. 

Then again, maybe the allure wasn’t all vir-jounin aura.

Kakashi’s dark eyebrow slowly rose and rose and rose as he saw Iruka eat. He had never noticed how Iruka ate before - had he? All those meals at Ichiraku... they weren't like this.

One could literally hear a pin drop as several sets of eyes watched Iruka perform - er, eat lunch - in a manner worthy of some highly paid non-ninja professionals (but who are similarly paid per act/show). After he had consumed the fruit, Iruka closed his book and tucked it under his arm, tossed the peel into the trash and grabbed his lunchbox. With a perky wave and a cheery, “See you later, guys. Thanks - and have a nice meeting. Bye, Kakashi! See you on Thursday,” he went out into the mission room to finish his shift.

“Oh, no, thank you, sensei,” throatily murmured Tsume, a dreamy little smile on her face.

Somebody in the throes of great distress, cried, “Dibs!”

There was near-riot while the jounins were trying to get out the door and into the way of the suddenly visible, highly desirable, evidently orally gifted Iruka Umino.

* * *

3\. Chase is on! (A hunting we will go, a hunting we will go)

Kakashi felt surge of great protectiveness. No one was going to bag Iruka Umino! He materialized in front of the door - hands held out for patience. “Wait! Wait! Look - I can’t have you guys all going for Iruka - “

There was a murmur as people came to their own conclusions. Had Iruka started seeing Kakashi?

Gai stared and then nodded. “That is the true number one way for my rival to behave! To Protect the Flower of His Heart!”

“Ah, Gai, it’s not like that,” Kakashi said, suddenly embarrassed. "just have a meeting to talk." At the disbelieving looks, Kakashi said, "About a mutual student. It just friendly talk." At the leers, Kakashi added, "Naruto Uzumaki, okay? It's him. It's nothing personal."

“Why can't we go after him, if you're just 'friendly'?” stormed Anko. “Any of us have a shot with him. It’s well known he’s bi -”

Ebisu’s head just about turned 180 degrees on his neck. “How do you know that?”

Smugly, she tapped her forehead. “He had a civilian girlfriend years ago, and I know he _experimented_ when he was younger.”

“How do you know that?” Raidou asked, jaw hinging open.

“I have my sources.”

Kakashi stopped Aoba from trying to sneak past him, hipchecking him neatly away from the door.

“Gimme a break, dude,” panted Aoba. “I was on a long mission the last time the Bird Book came out. I’m dying here.”

“Look - we’ve all got to settle down,” Kakashi said, soothingly. 

“Did you see what he did with that banana?!” Aoba’s eyes grew wide with respect and lust.

Kakashi shot a sharp look at Genma on the edge of the window. He pointed. “You! Shiranui! Halt!”

“Awww. Kakashi, you’re no fun," Genma whined.

For his part, Kakashi couldn’t believe he had to be the adult in the room. With sudden insight, he realized, jounin were no better than rowdy, incredibly well-armed children. He suddenly felt a great deal of fellow-feeling for Iruka. Iruka did something like this every flippin’ day. “We can’t hunt Iruka.” He ticked off his reasons. “He’s like a dad to Naruto. And I told Naruto I’d watch out for his precious people.”

“Why should we care about that?” coughed Hayate, inflamed by the sight of Iruka’s fruit-eating capabilities.

"Are you sure you don't have a thing for Iruka and want to keep him for yourself?" Ibiki asked, shrewdly suspicious.

“Would you want to deal with a Nine-tailed fury should something happen to Iruka?” Kakashi scanned his brain for suitable deflecting tactics. A ninja didn't have to be smart to be a jounin. Out of all the characteristics that seemed to collectively go with higher rank (high chakra capacity, the ability to retain/create a lot of jutsus, craziness, paranoia, nymphomania), a piercing insight into human nature, while helpful, were not necessarily among them. “Besides, isn’t it more important that we figure out what is happening with the Bird Book? Are the entries faulty?”

“No way,” protested Anko. “Everybody I bagged said I was their first.”

Ebisu sniggered. “Sure they were.”

She growled, “Cram it, you four-eyed pointy-headed -”

“Hey!” Ibiki yell broke through the tension and the jounins returned to order to listen. “I think Kakashi’s right. Iruka is off-limits until we can figure out whether or not he is supposed to be in the Bird Book - we need to find out whether it was a genuine omission or a small transposition - “

“We can’t bag Iruka because of a typo?” Hayate groaned.

“Some typo,” murmured Kurenai, nudging Asuma, who grinned down at her.

“Genuine omission,” Ibiki frowned, making a slashing gesture to punctuate his feelings, “or whether it was a deliberate infiltration into the secrets of Konoha’s Bird Book. It would be a serious breech of security if the data in the book is faulty – and if any of this became known.”

Several jounins sulkily flipped open their Bird Books again. “Do you think we can trust the rest of the entries?” one asked.

“Yes!” said the person with the multiple year copies of Bird Books, clutching them to his chest with wide-eyed panic. "We have to!"

“Okay, then,” Ibiki said, nodding. “Season is open on everybody but Iruka. And because I don't trust any of you - Kakashi here,” he inclined his head toward the man in question, “will make sure of that. Right, Kakashi?”

Kakashi thought for a split-second and tucked his books into his back pouch. If he didn’t know better, at the very moment, he would have thought every single face in that room was incapable of having butter melt in their mouths. But he did know, and so he decided he needed to take a little extra care to watch over a certain, highly sought, and now illicit, prize. Ninja loved nothing more than hunting something, or someone, illicitly. 

He nodded.

“Everyone be back here in six days, at season closing, to compare,” Ibiki said. 

“Six?” Shizune asked, alarmed. “Not seven? Don't we always have seven days, with the last day being the Chuunin-Jounin social?”

“Six,” Ibiki confirmed. “The date of the Chuunin-Jounin social has been moved up, so we lost a day." He held up a hand. “I don’t want to hear it - it wasn’t my decision. And if you can't bag a happily drinking chuunin, you're not worthy of being called jounin. Don't forget the Chuunin-Jounin games after check-in.” Ibiki checked the clock on the wall. With a flourish, he announced, “Let the hunt begin!”

Like leaves on the wind, the jounin scattered.

* * *

4\. Bait, Set and Trap (heigh-ho, the dairy-o, a hunting we will go) 

Kakashi wasn’t too worried about Iruka’s location - until he couldn’t find him. Which was peculiar. A person could keep time just by Iruka's comings and goings. He never was anywhere he wasn't supposed to be. Kakashi hopped over the roofs of Konoha, hoping that it was too early to find out some random jounin had already claimed a stake on his - no, no, no not his - on one particular chuunin. Swinging his head this way and that, he finally saw a very oddly dressed person on the street in front of Iruka’s apartment.

He crept in closer to investigate. The person almost looked like some escapee from a historical re-enactment, dressed in a very short shorts and a peculiar, extremely short hapi coat, carrying loads of paperwork and folders on top of big bulky bags. 

A sudden wind picked up the precariously balanced papers and threw them into the street, some of which blew right by his head. Instinctively, he reached around and caught them. The papers were headed with various names, and then, “Iruka-Sensei’s 4th period.”

He dropped down to have a chat with the sensei in question, who was scrambling madly to gather all the papers. “So, Iruka-sensei - you missing anything?”

“Thank you for catching those!” said Iruka, a relieved smile on his open face.

"Nice outfit."

Iruka looked embarrassed. “I’m on my way to the laundromat,” he explained. “These are the only clean clothes I've got. The robe was left over from a school musical production - a bunch of kids were supposed to be background peasants and they all got the flu, so I ended up being the only background peasant.” Iruka continued picking up stray papers on the sidewalk. “I just didn't think anyone would see me." 

Kakashi looked up, only to see the shorts pulled tight over Iruka’s butt, which Kakashi couldn’t help but notice. Why had he never noticed before? Because, gods, it was a great ass, verging on magnificent, framed by the hem of the little robe. Nicely shaped, toned. Very firm, but not off-putting in its firmness. Almost cuddly, actually. Iruka’s bottom would tempt the holiest of holy people, never mind the rutting masses that called themselves jounin. 

As he handed back the papers to Iruka, Iruka looked at him a little askance. "Uh, thanks again," Iruka said, sounding a little less grateful than previously.

Kakashi looked down at his hand. Unknowingly, he had crushed the papers in his hand into an incredibly tight little wad.

* * *

After excusing himself awkwardly, Kakashi had summoned a ninken to follow Iruka around, invisibly, and to hang around Iruka's door after he returned from the laundromat.

Kakashi decided to go to bed. Akino would alert him if anything went amiss chez Umino. As he readied himself to bed, Kakashi reviewed the day’s events. He wondered what he was getting himself into, as defender and protector of Iruka's vir-jouninity. As he drifted off, he wondered how he was going to keep protecting Iruka if the chuunin just kept putting himself out there, in shorts like he was wearing, displaying his most displayable goods like that. Like some saucy window dressing, luring unsuspecting jounin...or something.

Kakashi's last coherent thoughts were of devising ways to put a disguising genjutsu on someone’s ass without them knowing.

* * *

5\. Two in the Bush (Day 2, or Tuesday) 

It was a beautiful late spring day in Konoha. Sunlight filtered down through the paths in the forest. Iruka was in front of a line of children, and they all had binoculars. 

“You see, kids,” Iruka said, putting down his binoculars to rest a moment on his chest, “the better we are at identifying birds and other natural components of our environment, the better we will be at camouflage. Or, just as important, at identifying when something looks wrong.” 

At the sound of a bird song, Iruka cocked his head. “That, children, is the call of the Fire Country warbler. Sometimes, we use that call to warn others of our presence.” Iruka cupped one hand up on his face and warbled back to the bird. 

The bird warbled again. This time, Iruka flung a shuriken in the bird’s general direction, with some of the kids gasping in surprise, and one shrieking in horror. Kakashi dropped out of the tree in question, nonchalantly, with a little wave, the projectile sticking out of the cover of his book.

“Did I get a little birdie?” Iruka asked, drily.

“Nah,” Kakashi said, coolly, unwilling to even hint at how close Iruka had gotten to pinning his private parts to the tree. “What gave it away?”

“Fire Country Warblers are most active in the evening,” Iruka said, reprovingly. “They are unlikely to call in the early morning. You should really do a little more research on your birds before you begin to stalk them.”

“Heh. I guess so.”

Iruka released the students to their tasks. "Okay kids, I want you to go out and find and describe as many birds as possible for the next few hours. I'll call you when it's time to go back to class. Now, go."

Unbidden, Kakashi fell into step with Iruka. “I don’t remember doing this class,” he commented. Unvoiced was all the things Kakashi most likely missed during his brief stint in a formal classroom.

“The curriculum does change over time, Kakashi,” Iruka said, a little resigned. “Whether we want it to or not.”

“Like what?”

Iruka smiled, self-consciously. “This nature and biology section has been expanded, and a section on poetry was removed in the last year. I sort of miss it.”

“But how would poetry help a shinobi’s education?”

“Well, I believe in a liberal shinobi arts curriculum. I think the time spent on poetry actually helps cognitive development – increased creativity and ability to work through problems. And the poetry helps with writing. A well-written report is a thing of beauty.” 

Kakashi thought about Iruka’s other job and how the man must work through boatloads of illegible, poorly written reports. “How does poetry help a shinobi?”

“Not everything needs to be immediately practical. But since you ask, the more you know, the more you can apply. On a diplomatic mission, it’s helpful to have background and be able to pick up information quickly.” Iruka looked a little self-conscious. “Besides, I like poetry. Some of the kids have written some really interesting things.”

Hmm, Kakashi thought, Iruka likes poetry.

Above them, came the call of the Fire Country warbler, answered by another. Absent-mindedly, Kakashi flung some shuriken in those directions. He didn't miss the jounin leaping out of trees in alarm. Maybe it was better that the nature section had gotten expanded.

* * *

Kakashi didn't know who the sadist was that thought that it would be peachy to time the Chuunin-Jounin games immediately after The Chuunin-Jounin social (and birding season). Kakashi was similarly unacquainted with the complete and utter bastard that created the actual events. He did know one thing - he very much would have liked to have punched them in the throat.

There was nothing like the straggle of ninja that showed up, hung-over and sick, to compete for the cheap honor of winning the title of "Gamer" for their rank. Showing up should have been a competing event. Events included such things as walking on water, or breaking rocks with bare hands. There was one important catch: events were to be done without benefit of chakra usage. For people for whom chakra usage had become as integral to their lifestyles as breathing, this was horrible and lowering.

As he crouched, hiding, in the shade of a tree, Kakashi watched Iruka size up the environment of his event. Iruka, interestingly enough, was competing in the Pole Climb. The object of the event was to climb to the top of a particular pole the fastest. However, this was no ordinary pole. This pole was twice as wide across the bottom as the average human wingspan, tapered at the top except for a cap that perilously hung over the rest of the pole, and was heavily slicked. Of course, the slick was chakra-enhanced. From the varying widths, to the virtually upside-down horizontal climb, it was an all-around bitch to ascend. For this, Iruka was allowed usage of a single, flimsy, chakra-dead rope.

Iruka circled the pole, sizing up the situation. He looked thoughtful, but determined. He slung the rope around it and grasping it with both hands, tried to climb. He kept slipping down. After straining for many minutes, he grunted with exasperation and flung the rope to the ground.

Kakashi sympathized deeply. Nothing like a competition and the imminent potential for failure on a grand scale.

* * *

5\. Hunting in a box (Tame hunting? Canned hunt? Day 3. Or, Wednesday.)

Kakashi hung around the missions office, face buried in book, ears perked for anything suspicious. So far, nothing looked out of the ordinary. 

But he heard Iruka's voice coming out of the break room. He shifted nearly imperceptibly to get a look.

"It’s weird, somebody has broken into my apartment and stolen all of my cutlery - through my locked door, and all my traps.”

“Are you going to report it?” asked Izumo, curiously.

“I don’t know,” Iruka replied. “I mean, they did leave a big bowl of fruit and vegetables. Weird, right?”

“Really weird.” Kotetsu frowned. "I don't know how I'd feel about about food some stranger left for me."

"It all seems okay," Iruka said, eyeing the cucumber he had pulled out of his lunch box. “I mean, it’s like somebody is afraid that I might hurt myself on my sharp flatware, but really cares about my colon health.” Iruka mused on. “Maybe they don’t know how to express themselves!” He pulled out a small cucumber and looked at it. He shrugged. He opened his mouth, and with a flash of white teeth, crunched with relish.

A few jounin hanging around the mission room flinched at the crispy, crunchy sound. Eyes alight, Anko laughed, the sound more than a little disturbing. She bent over an empty portion of a desk, as if taking some notes in a little book.

"You got any more?" Izumo asked.

"Sure, I don't mind sharing," Iruka said, and snapped the cucumber in half. Some more jounin flinched. He gave the unbitten end to Izumo. "I've got lots more fruit." He pulled two apricots out of his lunch box. “I love these," Iruka enthused. He held them both gingerly in one hand. He sniffed them appreciatively, rubbing them slowly, sensuously across his cheek, over his lips, and chin.

Kakashi felt the sweat gather under his arms and about his lower back as he watched. He had spent years seeing Iruka Umino as a pleasant person, as a hard worker, as an upstanding citizen of Konoha. How was it, he wondered, only now, was everything Iruka saying an innuendo? Because of that frickin' Bird Book? 

"They’re so sweet,” Iruka commented, "And they smell great. And just a little fuzzy." He stuck his nose between the two globes and inhaled, happily. Just as Iruka was about to take a bite, mouth open, his teeth about to break the skin, Kotetsu interrupted him with a question about some form they couldn’t find.

“Oh, yeah, I think it’s filed - “ and he walked out, the two apricots still held ever-so-gently in one hand, his thumb running gently over their fuzzy surfaces.

As Iruka walked by, Kakashi noted Ebisu's eyes rolling up into his head and his silent passing out against the wall, landing in a limp little bundle on the floor. Well, hell, Kakashi thought. That’s one way to nullify an enemy.

After having found and given Kotetsu the documents, Iruka looked up at the clock. He sighed and put the apricots away and took his place behind the desk.

Iruka had a pencil shoved in behind his ear, which he took out regularly to press against his lips. He looked up to see Kakashi's eye on him. He grinned at Kakashi around the pencil in his mouth, seemingly unaware of the effect of the long utensil on Kakashi’s libido. And now, Kakashi thought, resigned, everything Iruka did _was_ an innuendo. Flipping kunai. 

"So, Iruka," asked Anko, "you like that pencil?"

"I like pencils - I used to use a red pen, but then it exploded and got ink all over me, so I'm using pencils now. Triangular, square, whatever, as long as they have the edges so they don't roll. It's a bit sad that the most common ones are these skinny little things. Because they break so easily. I prefer the thick ones."

Yes, Kakashi thought, resigned. _Everything_ was innuendo.

Hayate strolled in and handed Iruka a little sheet of paper. Kakashi squinted and could read a few lines of haiku. Something about blue clouds, ponytails and brown eyes. Iruka looked at it and nodded a bit stiffly. "Uh, thanks."

Gai stood at attention in front of Iruka and then struck a dramatic pose. In perfect 5-7-5-7-7 time, he recited a tanka, alluding to springtime, youth, power, manly beauty, gates, and fisticuffs. 

Blinking, Iruka said, "Um, thank you?" Gai winked, gave a thumb's up, and handed over a perfectly filled out report. To which Iruka smiled widely.

Kakashi frowned. Perhaps he should have written some poetry for Iruka. Or at least filled out his past forms better. Make a better presentation. Wait a minute. What was he thinking? He was supposed to prevent any of these filthy-handed jounins from laying a finger on his Iru - on Iruka.

Genma handed Iruka some pages of paper, a wide smile on his generous mouth. Seeing them together, Kakashi noticed how Iruka and his pencil's deeply smutty innuendo made Genma and his senbon's innuendo look kind of cute, in an amateurish, "tee-hee I'm new at this suggestive business" sort of way. How had he not noticed before?

"Hey, hey, read the back of the cover sheet," Genma suggested, an eager light in his eyes.

"What?" exclaimed Iruka, flipped the sheet over to look at the lines scrawled thereupon. "You're not supposed to be writing on the back!" 

Kakashi snatched it, his face looking less and less amused as he read through it. 

Roses are red, Violets are blue,

If not for old One-Eye, I'd be all over you.

Iruka's lips thinned as he snatched it back, rapidly scanning the lines of verse. Then he shook the report in front of Genma's face, starting to flush in outrage. "Old One-eye? Who are you speaking of? What are you insinuating, Shiranui-san?"

There was a moment of silence while this sunk in. Genma's glance swung over to Kakashi, much to his sorrow. Kakashi's single eye grew wide, the intent to inflict pain should there to be any mention of the Bird Book coming off so strongly, Genma began to visibly perspire.

"No no no," Genma said, looking at both Iruka's and Kakashi's matching intimidating expressions. "Nothing," he babbled. "Nothing, nothing."

"Nothing, huh?" muttered Iruka. A red pencil materialized from his chest pocket and he began scratching remarks all over the poem and the mission report on the opposite side. By the time he was done, it was like the sheet had battled the pencil and lost. "That's the end of that," Iruka said, with some satisfaction, handing back the paper.

"Uh, thanks," muttered a deflated Genma, edging out of the line of fire.

"Next!" called Iruka loudly, color high on his cheeks, a smile on his lips.

Like scolded dogs, a few jounin tucked their reports under their arms and made for the door.

Kakashi reconsidered. Maybe it was good he hadn't written Iruka a poem. But he hung around a while, watching. He'd never done that before. He thought outrage was a good look on Iruka. He thought that the satisfaction Iruka had on his face was even better.

* * *

Pakkun was settled at Kakashi's side in a comfortable tree. They were watching Iruka's current attempt at the pole. He was gaining, but not very much.

"Huh," Pakkun said, "That must be frustrating. Trying to do all that without any guarantee of a reward."

"Yeah," Kakashi said.

"All that hard work he's putting in, without anybody noticing."

"I bet," Kakashi said.

"Still, it looks like he's gaining."

* * *

6\. Stalking Horse (Or Thursday)

When Kakashi went to check to see if Naruto and Iruka were at Ichiraku, he couldn’t find them. After a moment of concern, he heard Naruto’s loudness a few storefronts down, at an ice cream stand. 

He greeted them, “Yo.” After a moment, Naruto started yelling about Kakashi to Iruka.

“Good evening, Kakashi,” Iruka said with a welcoming smile.

“Naruto, Iruka-sensei.” But Kakashi’s eyes were drawn to Iruka as he received his order, an enormous swirl of vanilla soft serve in a cone. 

Ye gods, thought Kakashi, scandalized. Is there a food product that exists that is resistant to the seductive eating of that chuunin? Iruka’s tongue lapped around the base of the ice cream, swirling around to the tip, and then going down again. Kakashi’s vision all came down to a fuzzy focus, tight zoom on that ice cream. He felt weak. His mask felt felt a little cool. He touched his face and realized he had started to dribble blood out of his nose.

“Blah-blah-lah-wah-bah?” Kakashi heard some words being spoken to him but he somehow could not tear his eyes away from the vision that was Iruka innocently eating ice cream with the oral skills of a well, not-so-innocent.

Naruto poked Kakashi’s side. “Sensei?” After receiving no response, he gave him a quick, hard jab between the ribs.

“Ow!” Kakashi flinched, caught a little flat-footed. 

“Would you like to order?” the store owner asked.

“Ice cream,” Naruto said. After a long pause, he nudged Kakashi and said, “You’re supposed to order now, Sensei.”

"Huh?"

“Sir?” asked the counter girl.

“What?”

“She was asking you what you wanted?" Iruka said. "You know. In a cup or a cone? Do you like topping?”

“Right.” Kakashi felt at a loss, wondering if he heard what he thought he heard. “In a cup, please,” he managed, feeling really, even possibly overly concerned about the state of Iruka’s ice cream.

“Sir? Blah-blah-wah-wah-wah-ity-bity - sir?”

“Would you prefer to bottom?" Iruka asked, dark eyes bright.

"WHAT?!" Kakashi could not believe what just came out of Iruka's seemingly innocent face. He shook his head, trying to clear the aural block he must have.

"She’s asking you if you would like something at the bottom of the cup?" Iruka translated. He, along with the shopkeeper and Naruto looked at Kakashi, puzzled at his behavior.

“What do you like?” Kakashi asked, mesmerized by Iruka's smile. Then he wanted to slap himself. What was he saying?!

Iruka smiled, impishly. “I like it both ways, and all combinations.”

The world inside Kakashi’s head just stopped for a minute. Was Anko right about Iruka’s predilections? Did he know what he said? And if so, does that mean...??

Iruka continued, “You know, I like sprinkles and chips and crushed cookie and fruit - I like all that stuff.” He slurped, noisily and with great satisfaction at the drips off the side of the cone. “I also like to eat from the bottom as well as the top. Too bad biting the bottom makes all the cream come out.” He smiled at Kakashi, a little schmear of ice cream right next to his luscious mouth.

“Oh, yah,” Kakashi managed, trying very hard not to think about how much he wanted to lick that bit of ice cream off Iruka’s sinfully silken-looking skin. 

Iruka stood up and tried to stretch. As he did so, a hanging corner of the counter caught at the end of his shirt. He tried to solve the problem by tugging, but it only caused more tearing of his shirt. 

Kakashi could only watch as Iruka's shirt eventually ended up in tears and basically ripped itself off Iruka's body. Iruka's toned, tanned, suddenly half-naked body.

"Sensei!" Naruto said, and he chortled.

"Naruto! Do you think this is funny? Did you do this?" Iruka asked, looking threatening.

"No - no, Iruka-sensei - "

Suddenly, a burst of flame emerged from the backdoor of the store. A small cracking sounded, and then the sprinklers burst into life, pouring water down on everybody in the store.

All Kakashi could think of, his eye avidly watching Iruka, was the phrase "half-naked drippin' wet." Then he passed out, so completely taken with the image in front of him that he had forgotten to use the Sharingan. 

* * *

7\. Big Game. (Day 5. Or Friday.)

Kakashi woke up, squinting a bit at the lights in the room. He saw Ibiki staring down at him in disappointment.

"What - what happened?" He asked Ibiki.

Ibiki said, flatly, "You passed out from lack of blood. Hyperventilation and a massive rupture in your nasal capillaries. Tsunade wanted to keep you for observation."

"How did I get here?" Kakashi asked.

"Naruto and Iruka delivered you here last night."

Kakashi sat up abruptly, causing his head to spin. Iruka!

"Don't worry about it," Ibiki said. "Nobody was going to pick off Iruka last night, that's for sure. He sat here last night for a long time, just making sure you would be okay. He only just left to do his morning training for the Games."

With a sigh of relief, Kakashi relaxed against his pillows. Only to jerk back upright at Ibiki's next words.

"That doesn't mean he's safe today."

* * *

As Kakashi approached the mission room, voices floated toward him.

“What’s he got for lunch today?”

There really wasn’t a question as to who ‘he’ was. Kakashi turned a corner to see a trio of jounin in a tight huddle in the entry of the mission room.

"Looks like - a hand roll of some kind. And now, yogurt in a tube," Anko said.

“What?” coughed Hayate.

Anko poked Aoba between the ribs. "You did steal all of his knives." 

Aoba countered, "But who gave him that bowl of fruit?"

"Yogurt - " choked out Hayate, pointing toward the break room.

Kakashi looked. Iruka had a delicate grasp on the tube, he ripped off the top, and then, firmly, worked the yogurt up to the top of the sleeve, sucking in masterfully. Then he swallowed the mouthful, leaving just a drop of creamy sweetness against the corner of his mouth. Which he slowly, lasciviously, licked off. 

Kakashi thought he would pass out. He had nowhere near the amount of sexual experience people assumed he did - the curse of being seen to read porn all the time. Still, it didn't take very much to translate Iruka's perfectly mundane actions to much more stimulating ones. Actions which bespoke an immense amount of experience and talent. Never let it be said that Kakashi lacked an eye for talent. “Stop eating!” cried Kakashi. (Nor any hint of tact.)

Iruka turned on him, scowling. “What are you saying?”

“Why are you always eating?! Everything ends up in your mouth!”

“Are you saying I’m fat?” Iruka charged, angrily.

Oh, shit. Kakashi’s brain had overloaded and somehow, pushed out the most backward-ass thing he could have imagined saying. "You are a creamy yogurt gobbler!"

Iruka reeled backwards in shock. “I eat a normal amount of food for someone who is active - I train - I’m pretty fit - I am not ashamed of my body.” He stood up, gesturing to himself. "As a matter of fact, I think my body is ready for almost anything."

“Hear, hear,” said somebody.

“Yes, yes,” Kakashi nodded. "I agree that you're fit."

Miffed, Iruka refused to speak with Kakashi for the rest of his shift. At the moment Kakashi looked away, Iruka disappeared.

* * *

It wasn't Iruka's usual training time, but it seemed as if he was working some kind of strong emotion out of his system.

Kakashi sat in his now familiar hidden spot, watching Iruka working the pole.

Iruka seemed frustrated. He wasn't getting much purchase, and when he finally slid down, he ripped the rope off himself and flung it to the ground and stomped on it.

"Yup," Pakkun said. "Must be difficult, all that work and nothing to show for it."

Iruka whipped his head around, his normally laughing eyes turned sharp and flinty. Both of them stilled, and not just because of the usual reflex of not wanting to get caught. Iruka was freaking scary with that look on his face.

* * *

Kakashi sighed. He was handling this badly. The mixture of lust and actually liking Iruka as more than a friend was breaking his brain. 

He wandered about, finding himself in front of Ibiki's office. He opened the door, halting when he saw a familiar green spandexed figured in front of Ibiki's desk. "Sorry," Kakashi apologized. I didn't mean to intrude."

Gai turned around, "It is a Pleasure to See You, my Rival!"

"Yeah, it's nice to see you too, Gai."

Ibiki looked up. "You want to talk, Kakashi?"

Kakashi nodded. 

"Take a seat."

Gai looked at Kakashi searchingly. "Is this about the Cornucopia of Loveliness that is the Apple of Your Eye?"

"What?" asked Kakashi.

"You are so cool, my eternal rival, even though I know the Fiery Flames of Passion you hold in your heart."

"Uh, yeah," Kakashi said, for once unable to deflect.

"Do you want to stop guarding Iruka, then?" Ibiki asked. 

"No - I just - I don't know - " Kakashi admitted in a rare moment of weakness.

"I think I know," Gai announced, particularly attentive. "The Attraction of the Chuunin-Sensei draws my Eternal Rival like a moth to a flame."

"Uh, yeah," Kakashi said. "I don't know. I really don't know. Iruka and I - we're pretty friendly. We have dinner together, and can talk - it's different than when you and I talk, Gai. I don't want to lose that just because of the whole Bird Book frenzy."

Gai sighed. "Kakashi, you need to figure out if you desire to Pluck this Rare Bird." Softer, he asked, "Do you?"

"What do you think of Iruka, Kakashi?" Ibiki asked. "I could ask another jounin to keep an eye on him - I know Genma - "

Kakashi growled deep in his chest, unable to contain himself.

"Do you want to build a little Birdhouse in your Soul for Iruka?"

"I just - we're too different!" Kakashi burst out. "He's a, uh, " he racked his brains for an analogy that Gai could understand. "He's like a sparrow, and I'm a hawk - "

Gai frowned. "He can be very fierce, I have heard my Precious Students say that. And sparrows have been known to drive hawks to the ground protecting their nests."

Kakashi sighed. He could never win at these analogy things at the best of times, never mind in his currently muddled state. Gai was Just Too Good.

"Gai, I uh - "

"Gai, I think Kakashi is saying that he doesn't think he and Iruka can nest together peaceably," Ibiki attempted to translate.

"Yes." Kakashi nodded.

Gai pondered this a moment. "Birds of a feather will flock together, " he finally announced. "Since you and Iruka are already flocking, I thought it was only a Matter of Time."

"Gai," Kakashi sighed. He realized he was handling this badly. The mixture of lust and actually liking Iruka as a friend was breaking his brain. "It's not that easy."

"But if you have ruffled Iruka's feathers, you must make amends to smooth them!"

"Right," said Kakashi.

* * *

Kakashi sighed. He hopped to the roof of Iruka's apartment house and looked down at the little patio. 

"Hey."

"Hey," Iruka answered, stubbornly looking out across the street and the trees, anything but Kakashi. He had been laying out his weapons on a little table, along with a small whetstone and a little bottle of oil.

"So what're you doing?'

"Nothing. Are you following me?”

“No,” Kakashi denied, reflexively.

“You are following me.”

“No, I was protecting you."

“Protecting me from what?”

Kakashi tried very hard to think about an answer to that. Can’t talk about bird book, can’t talk about bird book. “Uh - “

“Damn it, you were following me! YOU'RE the one I need protecting from!" Iruka slammed his hand down onto the table.

“Haven’t you noticed anything?”

Iruka’s eyebrow twitched. “What should I be noticing? All the jounins hanging around, all grabby grabby on my -”

Kakashi waited for this info to sink in. 

Iruka paused, raised his hand and opened his mouth to begin speaking, and then stopped. He tried to raised his hand again, and checked himself again. He began to shake his head. “No.” He frowned. “Just, no. Not possible.”

“What do you mean?”

“I’m no traitor to Konoha! Why else would there be jounin following me around? Harassing me?” And all of those ninken - following me around - what is up with that? I know they're yours, Kakashi. You can't hide that from me."

“Oh, no! No!” Kakashi sighed. Of course Iruka leapt to the logical conclusion. Frickin’ Bird Book - and it’s frickin’ rules. “No. Nobody thinks you’re a traitor.”

Iruka looked a little relieved. 

Kakashi thought, what the heck. Why not? There were only a few days before the end of the week and he needed an answer. “You a vir-jounin, sensei?”

Iruka immediately tightened up. “You mean have I ever - Wow - talk about a personal question. It’s none of your business if I’ve ever - you know!” Hectic color flooded Iruka’s face and neck.

Kakashi thought. With a reaction like that - and an ignorance of the term “vir-jounin” - Iruka was definitely one then. Heh. He turned his mind to the other problem at hand; the names of the jounin who don't seem to have a problem with keeping their hands off Iruka.

He reconsidered, and added himself to the list. He didn't deserve Iruka, nor whatever kind of relationship they had. But damn it, it was too good to let go. "So really, what're you doing"?

"What does it look like I'm doing? Polishing my kunai, duh," Iruka said, crabbily. He caught Kakashi's eye as Kakashi was trying not to laugh, and they both began to crack up.

"Friends?"

"Friends," Iruka said, taking hold of Kakashi's hand.

"Dinner?"

"Dinner. You pay."

And if there were some jounin at the restaurant who saw them, the unusually friendly way Kakashi and Iruka was smiling and laughing and then noted with interest the way Kakashi very lightly placed a hand ever-so-lightly above Iruka's waist as they passed. Finally, when they saw the way Kakashi possessively stared them down, they looked away.

* * *

8\. Catch as catch can. (Fair Chase. Or Friday.)

 

In the early morning, Kakashi and Pakkun were back in the tree.

Iruka seemed to have a renewed sense of purpose in his event. He stuck his chin out, threw the rope around the slicked pole, tightened it around himself and it, and began to climb with fresh enthusiasm. 

"Looks like he's in a better mood today," Pakkun commented.

* * *

Later that day, Kakashi caught up with Iruka on the stairwell to the mission room.

"Good morning."

Iruka turned and greeted Kakashi.

One of the first things Kakashi noticed was that Iruka had on a ridiculously large pair of pants. The kind of pants grandfathers wore, where the belt went up to his sternum and the crotch down to his knees. While Kakashi was not altogether pleased with this turn of events (having been denied the opportunity to ogle firm backside), perhaps it made Iruka much less of a target for those no-good-nik chuunin grabbers. 

Izumo and Kotetsu called out that they were coming through, awkwardly carrying a large piece of furniture between the two of them. 

"Hey!" called out Iruka. "Wait! No - I'm here!" 

"Can't," grunted Izumo. "Tsunade wanted this now." It was clear that even if Kotetsu and Izumo wanted to slow down, they wouldn't be able to and get the chaise-lounge up the steep stairs.

Kakashi grabbed Iruka and pulled him into the curve of his body and out of the way, leaping upwards as the two chuunin rumbled by. Kakashi felt something poke his midsection. What the -? Poke, poke, the thing went. Was it what he thought it was? _Damn_ , Kakashi thought. What a time for that revelation. He'd totally have banged Iruka if he had known. No, not bang. One does not just bang friends, never mind good friends. He'd have had responsible, protected, considerate sex with Iruka. That didn't sound right either. He'd have fucked? No. (Well, maybe, but it didn't sound right either.) He'd have... would he have made love to Iruka? And now they were in this creepy clinch? He was poked even more urgently. Okay, maybe fuck, with the occasional screw and the opportunistic bone. But now? Here? Just... _**damn.**_

Kakashi landed them neatly on the spot they had left. Iruka pulled away and they both looked down at the very visible lump in Iruka's dropped crotch area. Iruka pinkened. "This is where you ask if I have a wasabi in my pocket or am I just happy to see you."

Like a well-played puppet, Kakashi asked, "Do you have a wasabi in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?"

Iruka pulled out a small hand-held device. "It's my Pocket Wasabi, Kakashi. Don't you have one? You know, "Pocket Wasabi - It Burns!?"

"What?"

"Everybody has got one now," Iruka said. Then seeing Kakashi's blank look, he explained that the Pocket Wasabi was a technological device, that you could contact people, you could create and post pictures of little cats chasing things, you could read things other people had posted, getting it all incredibly quickly.

"Huh," was all Kakashi could bring himself to say as he felt the edges of a barely recognized disappointment.

"Let me see yours."

"Mine? I don't have one."

"Don't have one?" Iruka asked. "But what about the lump - oh, never mind," he broke off, flushing. "So, uh, you going to the Chuunin-Jounin Social?"

"Yeah, see you there," Kakashi said, shuffling off, wondering what had just happened to him.

* * *

9\. Season Closer. Chuunin-Jounin Social.

Kakashi arrived at the restaurant where the Chuunin-Jounin social was being held quite early, for him. He noted that Iruka was already there, with jounin stacked three-deep around him. He gave a little frustrated groan. How could Iruka be so dense as to not notice what was happening around him?

Snorting, Kakashi made his way toward Iruka, jabbing with sharp elbows to attain pride of place next to him.

Iruka, Kakashi noted, had a thing for brightly colored, sweet-smelling drinks with little decorations - paper umbrellas, plastic swords spearing fruit, twists of various peels. It was odder still that the names of these drinks - the slippery nipple, the sex on the beach, the fuzzy navel, the anus burner, the one night stand, the screw driver, the hairy virgin, the hanky panky, the sex a’peel, the orgasm, the one cheek sneak, all had evocative names. And still odder that these named rolled off Iruka’s tongue with the ease of much practice. Kakashi was beginning to get worried.

Jounin, Kakashi noted, had a thing for sending brightly colored, sweet-smelling drinks to Iruka, who with every drink received, would do the right thing and flirtaciously gesture with said drink in their direction. As they would approach, Kakashi send out little waves of Maiming Intent, just enough to deter them. Sure enough, most of them veered off to the side within a meter of approaching the table. Just right.

He had to stop this. He began intercepting the drinks - first by cleverly misdirecting the waitstaff. Second, he actually took the drinks and then poured them discreetly into the potted plant behind the table. Third, he took the ultimate in sacrifice and began to drink them himself. Never let it be said that Kakashi Hatake was unwilling to give up his body for a mission.

“Kakashi,” Iruka said, smiling sweetly. “Maybe you should get out there and have some fun, too. You don't have to spend all this time with me. Not if you don't want to. There are so many people you could be with.”

"Nu-uh," Kakashi said, making his case as clearly as he could. "Gotta stay close to you. Can't let another jounin. With you. Not sharing you. Or your pocket wasabi." 

The last thing he could remember was Iruka's soft laugh.

* * *

10\. Poaching out of season. (Trophy, or Day 7)

Kakashi woke up in Iruka’s apartment, terribly hungover. How could he have ended up here? He knew Iruka's apartment, but he'd never been in this bed before. Had he imagined Iruka's gentle touch leading him to bed? He turned over and under his head, crunching on his ear, was a note. 

Kakashi had trouble focusing his eyes through the blinding pain.

“Coffee in carafe, tea and hot chocolate in cupboard. Soup in pot. Early bird gets the worm, sensei. See you at the Games, Iruka.” There was a little double-humped smudge in the corner, as if Iruka had dribbled two drops of chocolate milk on the page, forming what could almost be construed as a heart, if one were inclined in that direction. Which Kakashi, emphatically, with his terrible headache, was not. It looked like what brown smudges always look like. Brown smudges.

He summoned Pakkun. “Find Iruka-sensei.”

“Sure, boss. You okay?”

“I’ve got a hangover the size of Hokage Mountain, otherwise I’m just peachy,” Kakashi grumbled.

“An answer like that won’t get any of the birds, boss. The early bird gets the worm, you know.”

Kakashi growled, and Pakkun skedaddled, a doggy grin on his doggy face.

* * *

There must have been something in the coffee. Or the tea. Or the hot chocolate. Or soup. Trust Iruka to get hang-over cure coffee (or tea or hot chocolate or soup).

Pakkun had found Iruka. Iruka was in the field with three other chuunin on their poles, surrounded by a huge group of people. Some of the people in the crowd looked as bad as Kakashi had felt earlier this morning. Such was the price of the Games the morning after the Chuunin-Jounin Social. Shit. He's forgotten about the Games. 

When Kakashi had gotten to the fields, he wasn't interested in working his way through the crowd. Instead, he settled onto his usual tree branch. Kakashi could no longer view the chuunin's event as anything but teasing designed to tempt him into something he wasn’t certain he could do.

Shirtless, Iruka climbed the large greased pole, his back and arm muscles straining to hold the rope around the enormous girth. At the top, he sat, and grinned up at the sky. And then, his hair slipping out of his ponytail, he pulled the tie off, the brown locks waving with the motion of his tossed head. It almost seemed as if the very air about him SPARKLED as he did so. 

Kakashi’s last coherent thought came out as akin to “this can no longer continue. Ye gods." Iruka looked unbelievably good sitting on that long, thick, greased pole. Screw it. No. Screw (and fuck and opportunistically bone) it. Kakashi had an additional thought - something something about making it up to Naruto later, he didn't care anymore if the results of this would be weird and put the kibosh on their friendship, but he couldn't force himself to be any clearer. Something about the waves the brown locks made against the sweaty tanned skin distracted him. Something... Sexy. Irresistible. So unbelievably bangable. 

With an audible *ping* coming from deep within him as his personal restraints broke free, Kakashi leaped to the top of the pole, snatched Iruka, and held him to his chest as he bounded off into the woods. 

In his clutches. In full sight of every game-attending ninja in Konoha. Which was, like, everybody.

Kakashi promised himself, he would be gentle, he would be considerate, he would be responsible as they fucked both of their brains out.

 

*** Closed Season****

 

Over the ensuing weeks, months, and years, Iruka developed the sheen of someone who was well and truly plucked, at frequent intervals.

* * *

_Extra Scene 1:_

After a look at the calendar, Kakashi realized he hadn't been around for the release of the Bird Book in many previous editions. He began counting up what had happened during previous seasons. 

He asked Anko what years Iruka had been in the Bird Book. Just this year. Iruka had been on a field trip one year, out sick another, on a mission yet another, one year his entry just hadn’t appeared - and it just piled up. A vague, disturbing suspicion began forming in his head. It was peculiar how those events coincided with his own absences from Konoha and hence his ability to partake in the hunt around Bird Book.

No. Not his mischieviously innocent, meltingly brown-eyed chuunin-sensei, guileless, unable-to-keep a secret Iruka....

Nah. It had to be coincidence. For Kakashi's own sanity, it had to be.

* * *

_Extra Scene 2:_ Much, much later.

A few individuals in masks gathered in the dark depths of Hokage Tower, having worked their way through the most complicated series of door seals and traps imaginable by the most clever and vicious ninja on the planet.

“Okay,” said one in a stylized rabbit mask, “are we ready to consider the next edition of the Bird Book?”

“Yes,” said someone in a horse's mask, summoning a series of boxes stuffed with folders.

All of them gathered to sift through the papers, sorting them out into piles across several work tables.

"This will be a hard case," sighed one masked, cloaked figure to another, looking through the files spread out on their work space.

The white porcelain rabbit mask remained blank, but as the documents were perused, weariness caused Rabbit's shoulders to droop. A sigh escaped. "Yes." 

Someone in a cat mask peeked over Rabbit's shoulder, catching sight of two pictures in a file. One of a young, white-eyed woman with long black hair, and another of a deeply grinning young man with spiky yellow hair and distinctive marks on his cheeks. 

Rabbit said, "She'll be fine. It's the target that's the problem. He's so clueless - it's a wonder he made jounin."

Cat shook its head, concern writ all over its body. "Only the Master will be able to pull this one off."

As silently as a shadow, a cloaked figure in a blank mask appeared. "What is it?"

Rabbit handed the folder over, bowing to the Master.

"We can do this," the Master replied confidently. "We have all worked more difficult situations. All it takes is some planning." He slid off the mask to reveal serious, yet melting, dark eyes and a scar running across the bridge of his nose.

"Let's get to work."

**Author's Note:**

> Slight AU - Hayate survived the Invasion of Sound to pluck again.
> 
> First sentence from ericales' fic [underneath your underneath (is a really hot woman)](http://ericales.livejournal.com/5054.html) as part of the game [here.](http://kakairu.livejournal.com/2920918.html)
> 
> The appearance of "the Pocket Wasabi" courtesy of brukleflesche/yaburetayume, and it's all her idea.


End file.
